Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Morals? Where did these come from???

I hate when my friends refer to my new burgeoning status as a "porn star". I'm not a star, not yet. I'm no celebrity. I've only been recognized twice from my pornographic undertakings. On my twitter and fetlife account it says that I'm a "burgeoning fetish model and performer". "Burgeoning" means that I'm "flowering", "budding", "blossoming"--- in other terms, I'm struggling.

With no 'real' job and not knowing where and when my next gig will happen, money is an issue. I mean, I have enough to pay my rent every month and take care of *most* of the other expenses, but that's all been dumb luck for the most part. I land a random gig about once a month, and have been blessed to work with Kink.com at least once a month as well. However, not *knowing* if I'll have a paying gig in the future is disconcerting to say the least.

So when an opportunity to make the equivalent of 3.5 months' rent and/or pay half of my debt down comes along, it looks pretty enticing. I was ignorant about the site's content, partly because of my lack of computer access and partly by choice-- mostly since everyone I told from seasoned porn stars and directors to the average person who had patronized that site in the past had the same aghast reaction.

I had agreed to do the site right before TESfest (which is what I really wanted to write about today, but my head is still swimming with this moralistic crap), so the entire time at TESfest I tried to ignore the feeling in the pit of my stomach. Except when I saw the reactions of my friends and cohorts...

And then when I returned from TESfest and hit the site and watched clip after clip and saw the description 'neath the shoot, I realized that this site entailed performing every kinky activity that I abhor. I would be making great, amazing money--- and I'd hate every minute of it. (It'd be like working at Starbucks... which is why I entered the porn industry in the first place).

And then the words "economic manipulation" from Matt Smith's ridiculously sensational article echoed in my head. As much as I rationalized doing the site by saying things like "I want to at least try everything once", I knew deep down that I would only be doing it because of my financial desperation, thereby giving weight to this douchebag's words. I realized I didn't want to make him right. I didn't want to be exploited.

My work for Kink.com is the direct opposite. I've had a blast with the work I've done with Lochai and Hogtied.com and EverythingButt.com. Yes, I've broken a few cherries with Lochai, tried new things... but I've had fun with all of it and wasn't motivated by the money. The same will be true when I work with Mark Davis at SexandSubmission.com. I love kinky sex and have honestly been getting off to Mark Davis for years now. This will be a blast. I will enjoy every minute and be able to feel good about myself after the day is over. This would not be the case with the other site.

So I backed out. And the people who run the other site have been amazing about it. And I feel better about myself for having the self-esteem and tenacity to take a stand and dealing with these morals; whereever the fuck they came from.