Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Morals? Where did these come from???

I hate when my friends refer to my new burgeoning status as a "porn star". I'm not a star, not yet. I'm no celebrity. I've only been recognized twice from my pornographic undertakings. On my twitter and fetlife account it says that I'm a "burgeoning fetish model and performer". "Burgeoning" means that I'm "flowering", "budding", "blossoming"--- in other terms, I'm struggling.

With no 'real' job and not knowing where and when my next gig will happen, money is an issue. I mean, I have enough to pay my rent every month and take care of *most* of the other expenses, but that's all been dumb luck for the most part. I land a random gig about once a month, and have been blessed to work with Kink.com at least once a month as well. However, not *knowing* if I'll have a paying gig in the future is disconcerting to say the least.

So when an opportunity to make the equivalent of 3.5 months' rent and/or pay half of my debt down comes along, it looks pretty enticing. I was ignorant about the site's content, partly because of my lack of computer access and partly by choice-- mostly since everyone I told from seasoned porn stars and directors to the average person who had patronized that site in the past had the same aghast reaction.

I had agreed to do the site right before TESfest (which is what I really wanted to write about today, but my head is still swimming with this moralistic crap), so the entire time at TESfest I tried to ignore the feeling in the pit of my stomach. Except when I saw the reactions of my friends and cohorts...

And then when I returned from TESfest and hit the site and watched clip after clip and saw the description 'neath the shoot, I realized that this site entailed performing every kinky activity that I abhor. I would be making great, amazing money--- and I'd hate every minute of it. (It'd be like working at Starbucks... which is why I entered the porn industry in the first place).

And then the words "economic manipulation" from Matt Smith's ridiculously sensational article echoed in my head. As much as I rationalized doing the site by saying things like "I want to at least try everything once", I knew deep down that I would only be doing it because of my financial desperation, thereby giving weight to this douchebag's words. I realized I didn't want to make him right. I didn't want to be exploited.

My work for Kink.com is the direct opposite. I've had a blast with the work I've done with Lochai and Hogtied.com and EverythingButt.com. Yes, I've broken a few cherries with Lochai, tried new things... but I've had fun with all of it and wasn't motivated by the money. The same will be true when I work with Mark Davis at SexandSubmission.com. I love kinky sex and have honestly been getting off to Mark Davis for years now. This will be a blast. I will enjoy every minute and be able to feel good about myself after the day is over. This would not be the case with the other site.

So I backed out. And the people who run the other site have been amazing about it. And I feel better about myself for having the self-esteem and tenacity to take a stand and dealing with these morals; whereever the fuck they came from.

3 comments:

  1. By simply making a difficult decision like this, you have completely invalidated Matt Smith's basic premise.

    Congratulations.

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  2. Aww.. *BIG HUGS* at ya!

    I can SO relate to all this.. I'm in the same boat with the whole finance thing.. BUT, even so, I won't even so much as take a session with someone who makes me uncomfortable for some reason. The way I see it, NO amount of money is worth feeling personally compromised at the end of the day. <3

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  3. This was a great post to read. Today both AAG and I wrote about women and porn and their reasons for doing it in response to letter AAG had received from a reader.

    You summed up exactly what she and I had said. You're doing the work you do because you enjoy it. The money is great just as it is with any job but you are not doing this work you just for money.

    I think you should send a link to this post to Matt Smith and let him see for himself that there are women our there who work for Kink.com because they actually enjoy what they do.

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