Friday, April 30, 2010

Hurts So Good

I have long been fighting off the label of "masochist".

My profile used to state that I was more into the the "D" aspect of BDSM, dominance and discipline, not the "M" aspect. I don't physically enjoy pain. However, I get lumped into this category of "masochist" all of the time.

It's been suggested lately that I'm more of an emotional masochist. Not that I like to feel emotional pain, but I like the feeling of being able to take that pain. I love the adrenaline. I love to feel "tough". In fact, so much so, that the first time I ever cried from corporal means was because I yellowed on the man giving me my first "real" beating and he said "awww, I thought you were tougher than that". Cue tears-- because I am damnit!

I can 'take' a lot apparently. You know how I know? When I shot with PD (of Insex famedom) and Sister Dee on and they were constantly commending me for how resilient I was that I could take the strenuous positions I was put into and the beatings that were doled out. PD has worked with, yes, models who aren't really into this sort of thing... but also some of the most notable masochistic women of all time. So to hear that kind of praise from him and know he wasn't blowing smoke up my ass cemented the idea in my head that I've got one tough bottom.

I first started actually embracing my masochism as more than what I can 'take' at the Connecticut GRUE. There, DaSade and others used me as the demo bottom for how to properly paddle someone. I swear this was one of the longest classes at the GRUE as several people lined up to 'properly demonstrate proper technique' in paddling my ass for two hours straight. OR people just couldn't stop beating my ass. Either way I liked the way it felt. I actually enjoyed the sensation of the pain at the time. This still happens, but very seldom.

That's when I started to grudgingly accept that there's a little masochist inside, but it didn't come out often. I still rejected the notion that I was a MASOCHIST through and through.

The next bit of food for thought came at Bound in Boston. Many of you remember the scene I had with Lqqkout where he played the trucker and I played the innocent little commuter. He put so much effort into planning and executing this scene, including making a special paddle with a metal mudflap lady fastened to it. (See Fet pics for illustrations).

Near the end of the scene he was using a black bandana that was part of his costume to wipe the blood off my ass after every few smacks of this paddle. That was one of the many tokens (mostly the clothes that were ripped off me) that he told me to keep from the scene. He did it on purpose. So that I could 'flag' black. Meaning-- Heavy S&M bottom.

Really? I'm in that category now? Even after my many experiences I still had a hard time believing that this gentleman (I say the term loosely) who'd only met me the day prior to our scene had just assumed that I should be flagging that way. Fingering the bloody bandana, I guess he'd figured right. But when did the girl who began her journey by simply fantasizing about over-the-knee spankings and a taken-in-hand relationship become some kind of hardcore bottom?

And did that make me a masochist?

Most recently I had the opportunity to play/hang with Cyd Black at and after Brimstone. He, Wickedblueglow, and I were hanging on our porch smoking a cig when he called me a "smart-assed masochist". I continued to deny that I was a masochist, in spite of the fact that my ass was described as "looking like a crime scene" after I'd played with him and I was still asking for it by being a brat.

He just looked at me like I was stupid when I affirmed that I was NOT a masochist.

I explained that I did not (often) enjoy the sensation of pain.

He didn't even bite just said:
"You've heard of me."
"And how I play."
"And agreed to play with me, knowing this."

It dawned on me, then, that a masochist isn't someone who just enjoys the sensation of pain. That it is someone who intentionally puts themselves in the position being in pain because they enjoy some aspect of the situation. Whether it be that their inner attention whore needs feeding, their need to prove something by being 'tough', to explore self-destructive behavior in a controlled and consensual way, or needing the catharsis of being "broken", a masochist finds new and innovative way to put themselves in situations of enduring physical pain and NOT simply because they enjoy the sensation of it.

Yes, I am, still somewhat begrudgingly, an admitted masochist.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Slave at Heart

"You're not submissive, you know," he says from the passenger seat of my car. I rolled my eyes. I couldn't blame him. He'd just spent two seperate play sessions, one Saturday night, one Sunday afternoon whaling on me and I only gave in--just barely-- after at least an hour. Most of the scenes I spent being my regular smart ass self and tested him to see who would break first, me or him. I still think that particular outcome was a bit of a toss-up, though the scene that occured Sunday had me feeling a tad bit more of a docile and with a certain... affinity... toward him.

"But we'll get to that later..." he continued and then must've seen something in the look on my face as I met his eyes. "You aren't submissive," he repeated as I bit my lip and looked away in frustration. "You're a slave," he finished matter-of-factly as my neck snapped back for me to gape at him with my mouth open.

I've heard many people in my past criticize my submissive tendencies (or lack there-of). Something about my being the the strong-willed and opinionated brat who heavily enjoys resistance play in scenes and finds all that kneeling and protocol stuff tiresome might've given people the idea that I'd make a really bad submissive, much less a slave.

Part of me started to believe it. Especially since I ascribed to the Daddy/Little Girl dynamic mentality. A little girl doesn't always say "yes, Daddy, whatever you say" and get on her knees every time he walks in the room. But a Daddy, much like a Master, keeps his little girl in line when she needs it and is ultimately the boss, even if he has to show her so. So is Daddy/LG ultimately a M/s relationship?

Boy, this guy stirred up a tempest in my mind with just a simple comment. You see, in the past I used to say I had a "slave-heart". That eventually, I'd find the right person to give myself to. Then I ascribed to what everyone was telling me-- that I was too headstrong, too controlling, and, well, real slaves don't make a *trew Masteh* work for it, they'd simply recognize his Mastery.

Which is why I sort of gave up on the whole slave thing... until this man I'd met the day before had said this statement so matter-of-factly, as if it was the most obvious thing on the planet.

Thinking about my D/s relationships in the past, I reflected on whether I was always so ornery and the answer is no. Not at all. I used to actually be a pretty good girl.

Lately, I've had a penchant for take-down scenes, escaping from rope, being beat for hours on end before I break (if I ever did), and if I put all in the perspective of what my new friend stated, it's not because I'm not submissive-- I'm trying to find someone strong enough to be my Master. Once I do, while still opinionated and headstrong, I feel like I'd make a pretty good slave.

The last person who broke me had my complete devotion. He had the strength and patience and compassion (and sometimes brute force) to take down all of my walls one by one. Walls I'd spent a long time building. And while I was sometimes a 'brat', while I messed up sometimes and needed punished... I knew without a doubt who I belonged to and showed endless and unconditional love and devotion.

So yeah, when he left me without even the sanctity of my walls-- my need to be taken, controlled, 'broken', increased. Because the next one won't get that love, adoration and devotion so easily. Not by a long-shot.

But it doesn't mean I don't have a deep desire to give it. And like AA has the attitude that all you need to have is the "desire" to quit, I kind of feel the same way about M/s. My slave-heart beats deep down in my chest. It's there behind these reinforced walls brought on by distrust, pain and pure stubbornness. And it's waiting for someone with even more strength of character, body, mind, patience, with even more tenacity and not just good intentions to help me take them down.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Taking a Chance

Still taking strides. Been focusing all my energy into positive endeavors. Including *maybe* presenting at future events. Below are some ROUGH outlines of what I want to teach as of now. Feedback IS appreciated, positive or constructive criticism:

BDSM as Therapy: Finding Catharsis in A Scene

Have you ever experienced or heard someone talk about a “Cathartic” scene? What is 'catharsis' in the scope of a scene? Come to this class to explore what catharsis is, why it's a good thing, and how to find this wonderful state in a scene. Discussion includes why and how catharsis is different for tops and bottoms and what could possibly be blocking you from experiencing it.

Understanding Brat/Bitch Play

A Brat/Bitch play dynamic is one of the most misunderstood of D/s dynamics. Join us as we analyze the exchange more as a system of communication and dispel the myth that it's simply “topping from the bottom”. We explore why anyone who respects a D/s dynamic would ever want to engage in this sort of behavior and what both sides get out of it. Whether as part of a temporary roleplay scenario or a 24/7 D/s relationship, learn the joys of embracing your inner brat/bitch ... or reining one in!

Rough and Intense Public Scenes

This class has two different subjects that will be investigated and then integrated to create a very interesting composite scene. First, we will explore what is inherent in a rough scene. We will go over all of the steps on how to create a rough and intense scene including negotiation, preparation, the follow thru and aftercare with a brief touch on safety. Then we will discuss public scening, the different purposes of scening in public and what the difference is between private vs. public scening. Once we integrate the two, we will discuss the characteristics of an intense public scene and things to be mindful of, including environment and those around you. Subjects that will be touched upon will be how to create your ideal rough public scene and controlling the levels of intimacy vs. putting on a production and finding your “zone” vs. including the audience in said scene.