I have long been fighting off the label of "masochist".
My profile used to state that I was more into the the "D" aspect of BDSM, dominance and discipline, not the "M" aspect. I don't physically enjoy pain. However, I get lumped into this category of "masochist" all of the time.
It's been suggested lately that I'm more of an emotional masochist. Not that I like to feel emotional pain, but I like the feeling of being able to take that pain. I love the adrenaline. I love to feel "tough". In fact, so much so, that the first time I ever cried from corporal means was because I yellowed on the man giving me my first "real" beating and he said "awww, I thought you were tougher than that". Cue tears-- because I am damnit!
I can 'take' a lot apparently. You know how I know? When I shot with PD (of Insex famedom) and Sister Dee on hardtied.com and topgrl.com they were constantly commending me for how resilient I was that I could take the strenuous positions I was put into and the beatings that were doled out. PD has worked with, yes, models who aren't really into this sort of thing... but also some of the most notable masochistic women of all time. So to hear that kind of praise from him and know he wasn't blowing smoke up my ass cemented the idea in my head that I've got one tough bottom.
I first started actually embracing my masochism as more than what I can 'take' at the Connecticut GRUE. There, DaSade and others used me as the demo bottom for how to properly paddle someone. I swear this was one of the longest classes at the GRUE as several people lined up to 'properly demonstrate proper technique' in paddling my ass for two hours straight. OR people just couldn't stop beating my ass. Either way I liked the way it felt. I actually enjoyed the sensation of the pain at the time. This still happens, but very seldom.
That's when I started to grudgingly accept that there's a little masochist inside, but it didn't come out often. I still rejected the notion that I was a MASOCHIST through and through.
The next bit of food for thought came at Bound in Boston. Many of you remember the scene I had with Lqqkout where he played the trucker and I played the innocent little commuter. He put so much effort into planning and executing this scene, including making a special paddle with a metal mudflap lady fastened to it. (See Fet pics for illustrations).
Near the end of the scene he was using a black bandana that was part of his costume to wipe the blood off my ass after every few smacks of this paddle. That was one of the many tokens (mostly the clothes that were ripped off me) that he told me to keep from the scene. He did it on purpose. So that I could 'flag' black. Meaning-- Heavy S&M bottom.
Really? I'm in that category now? Even after my many experiences I still had a hard time believing that this gentleman (I say the term loosely) who'd only met me the day prior to our scene had just assumed that I should be flagging that way. Fingering the bloody bandana, I guess he'd figured right. But when did the girl who began her journey by simply fantasizing about over-the-knee spankings and a taken-in-hand relationship become some kind of hardcore bottom?
And did that make me a masochist?
Most recently I had the opportunity to play/hang with Cyd Black at and after Brimstone. He, Wickedblueglow, and I were hanging on our porch smoking a cig when he called me a "smart-assed masochist". I continued to deny that I was a masochist, in spite of the fact that my ass was described as "looking like a crime scene" after I'd played with him and I was still asking for it by being a brat.
He just looked at me like I was stupid when I affirmed that I was NOT a masochist.
I explained that I did not (often) enjoy the sensation of pain.
He didn't even bite just said:
"You've heard of me."
"And how I play."
"And agreed to play with me, knowing this."
It dawned on me, then, that a masochist isn't someone who just enjoys the sensation of pain. That it is someone who intentionally puts themselves in the position being in pain because they enjoy some aspect of the situation. Whether it be that their inner attention whore needs feeding, their need to prove something by being 'tough', to explore self-destructive behavior in a controlled and consensual way, or needing the catharsis of being "broken", a masochist finds new and innovative way to put themselves in situations of enduring physical pain and NOT simply because they enjoy the sensation of it.
Yes, I am, still somewhat begrudgingly, an admitted masochist.