Followup on Daddy Post

I received a message in response to my last "Daddy" post that made the familiar ball in my throat and the tears in my eyes come back. It read as follows

Hey,

I just read your Daddy journal entry. I was sorry to read that you were so low. I felt like I could hear the tears streaming and the sniffles through your words.

You have a strength in you that I believe you have not yet been able to reach. Mere fragments sustain you at times. But I also know that deeper within lies the Little Ten. And obviously, that is the child that longs for the comfort and safety that Daddy always provides.

It is hard to manage a Little as strong - or perhaps weak - as yours, given the specific issues which surround her. And the strength that protects her is merely a strength suit of sorts. And when that suit is peeled back, the tearful child - afraid and exhausted from acting like a big girl and feigning strength that she knows she does not have - pours out and collapses every so often. It is hard for little girls to be strong.

And when a Daddy leaves his little girl, that creates an instant security vacuum which causes the little girl to have to hasten and put her suit back on.

He finished these words with an extension of support if I ever needed it.

Kind words, right? I felt a bit of gratitude... and a whole lot of shock and pain.

He was SPOT ON about the strong suit. It's the only way I'd been able to survive without being a pathetic puddle on the floor the last few months. But now he pointed it out, he unwittingly exposed it as somewhat of a farce. A defense mechanism, for sure, but what really lurks underneath?

Deep inside I'll always have that vulnerable little girl. Right now I hate it. She's like a tiny baby bird--so fragile and easily broken--she holds me back and gets me hurt to a degree that I never fathomed. I want to tell her to GROW THE FUCK UP and stop being such a fucking baby.

In a way, that's exactly what she is though. And is that my strong suit part of me talking to her so crudely so that I can stuff her back down again and not get hurt? Am I doomed to have this around with me for the rest of my life? Do I go seek therapy to deal with her once and for all and move on, because this isn't healthy?

Or do I embrace her as someone that is always going to be a part of me and find that ideal relationship where my Significant Other can too?

I said in my last post that I can live without Daddy. I really can. But maybe I was wrong about the fact that I'm always going to want Daddy.

Maybe it's she, the little girl inside me, that can't live without Daddy/Mommy/other safe Big of sorts. And until that person or people come out of the woodwork, maybe I have to keep her behind this suit.

However, she obviously doesn't exist too far beneath the surface if one can point her out so easily.

So what the hell to do with that? (rhetorical, as I'm babbling out of my ass right now).

What (not who) Daddy is...

*I want my Daddy..."

I burst into tears on the way home tonight as this thought permeated my brain and rested there. It was a pervasive chant that the vulnerable little girl inside of me kept uttering.

I tried to figure out why it suddenly popped into my brain and why I was so effected by it.

In spite of my previous writings, this wasn't about an ex-relationship. This wasn't about my real father dying. This wasn't about any of the men in my life, past, present, or perhaps.

For once, "Daddy" didn't have a face.

An epiphany struck me.

"Daddy" was no longer a person in my head. None of the "Daddies" of my past came to mind when I suddenly longed for "Daddy". "Daddy" was and always has been a concept for me.

Since my real Daddy was taken away at such a young age, I think I superimposed all of the things I was missing as I grew up, but longed for, onto my Daddy--or at least associated it with a father-figure role. All of the things I've yearned for I suddenly felt like I could find in one place--in Daddy.

Daddy= security, safety, acceptance, unconditional love. Basically Daddy= a sense of fulfillment.

This explains why I suddenly dissolve into tears and feel an incredible sense of destabilization when one of the things named above drop out of my life (mostly in the form of a sudden detachment with people I used to feel attached to). With one central symbol (my Daddy) of all of the things named above I don't crumble nearly as easily when I feel those things are shaky with someone else like a close friend or even a lover who is not Daddy-- much like a slave may touch his/her collar and feel security and fulfillment in the D/s relationship he/she has with his/her Dominant. It explains why, when I don't have that relationship, I nearly fall to pieces at the first sign of abandonment by anyone I've let in. And finally, it explains why, when I have that central Daddy person that is supposed to embody things like unconditional love and security and they leave for whatever reason-- it nearly kills me emotionally.

While I don't think wanting all of those things (security, safety, acceptance, unconditional love, fulfillment) is necessarily unhealthy-- my reactions to people (potential future Daddy's or not) because of the lack thereof are not healthy in any way, shape, or form. And to call someone "Daddy" without them knowing those expectations is asking them to fall short.

I honestly don't know if "Daddy" will ever become a "who" again. I do know that I can live without-- and will try my damnedest to find a healthy way to do so. That is what I will be working on for the time being. However...

I'm always going to want my Daddy.