Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Slave at Heart
"You're not submissive, you know," he says from the passenger seat of my car. I rolled my eyes. I couldn't blame him. He'd just spent two seperate play sessions, one Saturday night, one Sunday afternoon whaling on me and I only gave in--just barely-- after at least an hour. Most of the scenes I spent being my regular smart ass self and tested him to see who would break first, me or him. I still think that particular outcome was a bit of a toss-up, though the scene that occured Sunday had me feeling a tad bit more of a docile and with a certain... affinity... toward him.
"But we'll get to that later..." he continued and then must've seen something in the look on my face as I met his eyes. "You aren't submissive," he repeated as I bit my lip and looked away in frustration. "You're a slave," he finished matter-of-factly as my neck snapped back for me to gape at him with my mouth open.
I've heard many people in my past criticize my submissive tendencies (or lack there-of). Something about my being the the strong-willed and opinionated brat who heavily enjoys resistance play in scenes and finds all that kneeling and protocol stuff tiresome might've given people the idea that I'd make a really bad submissive, much less a slave.
Part of me started to believe it. Especially since I ascribed to the Daddy/Little Girl dynamic mentality. A little girl doesn't always say "yes, Daddy, whatever you say" and get on her knees every time he walks in the room. But a Daddy, much like a Master, keeps his little girl in line when she needs it and is ultimately the boss, even if he has to show her so. So is Daddy/LG ultimately a M/s relationship?
Boy, this guy stirred up a tempest in my mind with just a simple comment. You see, in the past I used to say I had a "slave-heart". That eventually, I'd find the right person to give myself to. Then I ascribed to what everyone was telling me-- that I was too headstrong, too controlling, and, well, real slaves don't make a *trew Masteh* work for it, they'd simply recognize his Mastery.
Which is why I sort of gave up on the whole slave thing... until this man I'd met the day before had said this statement so matter-of-factly, as if it was the most obvious thing on the planet.
Thinking about my D/s relationships in the past, I reflected on whether I was always so ornery and the answer is no. Not at all. I used to actually be a pretty good girl.
Lately, I've had a penchant for take-down scenes, escaping from rope, being beat for hours on end before I break (if I ever did), and if I put all in the perspective of what my new friend stated, it's not because I'm not submissive-- I'm trying to find someone strong enough to be my Master. Once I do, while still opinionated and headstrong, I feel like I'd make a pretty good slave.
The last person who broke me had my complete devotion. He had the strength and patience and compassion (and sometimes brute force) to take down all of my walls one by one. Walls I'd spent a long time building. And while I was sometimes a 'brat', while I messed up sometimes and needed punished... I knew without a doubt who I belonged to and showed endless and unconditional love and devotion.
So yeah, when he left me without even the sanctity of my walls-- my need to be taken, controlled, 'broken', increased. Because the next one won't get that love, adoration and devotion so easily. Not by a long-shot.
But it doesn't mean I don't have a deep desire to give it. And like AA has the attitude that all you need to have is the "desire" to quit, I kind of feel the same way about M/s. My slave-heart beats deep down in my chest. It's there behind these reinforced walls brought on by distrust, pain and pure stubbornness. And it's waiting for someone with even more strength of character, body, mind, patience, with even more tenacity and not just good intentions to help me take them down.
"But we'll get to that later..." he continued and then must've seen something in the look on my face as I met his eyes. "You aren't submissive," he repeated as I bit my lip and looked away in frustration. "You're a slave," he finished matter-of-factly as my neck snapped back for me to gape at him with my mouth open.
I've heard many people in my past criticize my submissive tendencies (or lack there-of). Something about my being the the strong-willed and opinionated brat who heavily enjoys resistance play in scenes and finds all that kneeling and protocol stuff tiresome might've given people the idea that I'd make a really bad submissive, much less a slave.
Part of me started to believe it. Especially since I ascribed to the Daddy/Little Girl dynamic mentality. A little girl doesn't always say "yes, Daddy, whatever you say" and get on her knees every time he walks in the room. But a Daddy, much like a Master, keeps his little girl in line when she needs it and is ultimately the boss, even if he has to show her so. So is Daddy/LG ultimately a M/s relationship?
Boy, this guy stirred up a tempest in my mind with just a simple comment. You see, in the past I used to say I had a "slave-heart". That eventually, I'd find the right person to give myself to. Then I ascribed to what everyone was telling me-- that I was too headstrong, too controlling, and, well, real slaves don't make a *trew Masteh* work for it, they'd simply recognize his Mastery.
Which is why I sort of gave up on the whole slave thing... until this man I'd met the day before had said this statement so matter-of-factly, as if it was the most obvious thing on the planet.
Thinking about my D/s relationships in the past, I reflected on whether I was always so ornery and the answer is no. Not at all. I used to actually be a pretty good girl.
Lately, I've had a penchant for take-down scenes, escaping from rope, being beat for hours on end before I break (if I ever did), and if I put all in the perspective of what my new friend stated, it's not because I'm not submissive-- I'm trying to find someone strong enough to be my Master. Once I do, while still opinionated and headstrong, I feel like I'd make a pretty good slave.
The last person who broke me had my complete devotion. He had the strength and patience and compassion (and sometimes brute force) to take down all of my walls one by one. Walls I'd spent a long time building. And while I was sometimes a 'brat', while I messed up sometimes and needed punished... I knew without a doubt who I belonged to and showed endless and unconditional love and devotion.
So yeah, when he left me without even the sanctity of my walls-- my need to be taken, controlled, 'broken', increased. Because the next one won't get that love, adoration and devotion so easily. Not by a long-shot.
But it doesn't mean I don't have a deep desire to give it. And like AA has the attitude that all you need to have is the "desire" to quit, I kind of feel the same way about M/s. My slave-heart beats deep down in my chest. It's there behind these reinforced walls brought on by distrust, pain and pure stubbornness. And it's waiting for someone with even more strength of character, body, mind, patience, with even more tenacity and not just good intentions to help me take them down.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Taking a Chance
Still taking strides. Been focusing all my energy into positive endeavors. Including *maybe* presenting at future events. Below are some ROUGH outlines of what I want to teach as of now. Feedback IS appreciated, positive or constructive criticism:
Have you ever experienced or heard someone talk about a “Cathartic” scene? What is 'catharsis' in the scope of a scene? Come to this class to explore what catharsis is, why it's a good thing, and how to find this wonderful state in a scene. Discussion includes why and how catharsis is different for tops and bottoms and what could possibly be blocking you from experiencing it.
A Brat/Bitch play dynamic is one of the most misunderstood of D/s dynamics. Join us as we analyze the exchange more as a system of communication and dispel the myth that it's simply “topping from the bottom”. We explore why anyone who respects a D/s dynamic would ever want to engage in this sort of behavior and what both sides get out of it. Whether as part of a temporary roleplay scenario or a 24/7 D/s relationship, learn the joys of embracing your inner brat/bitch ... or reining one in!
This class has two different subjects that will be investigated and then integrated to create a very interesting composite scene. First, we will explore what is inherent in a rough scene. We will go over all of the steps on how to create a rough and intense scene including negotiation, preparation, the follow thru and aftercare with a brief touch on safety. Then we will discuss public scening, the different purposes of scening in public and what the difference is between private vs. public scening. Once we integrate the two, we will discuss the characteristics of an intense public scene and things to be mindful of, including environment and those around you. Subjects that will be touched upon will be how to create your ideal rough public scene and controlling the levels of intimacy vs. putting on a production and finding your “zone” vs. including the audience in said scene.
BDSM as Therapy: Finding Catharsis in A Scene
Have you ever experienced or heard someone talk about a “Cathartic” scene? What is 'catharsis' in the scope of a scene? Come to this class to explore what catharsis is, why it's a good thing, and how to find this wonderful state in a scene. Discussion includes why and how catharsis is different for tops and bottoms and what could possibly be blocking you from experiencing it.
Understanding Brat/Bitch Play
A Brat/Bitch play dynamic is one of the most misunderstood of D/s dynamics. Join us as we analyze the exchange more as a system of communication and dispel the myth that it's simply “topping from the bottom”. We explore why anyone who respects a D/s dynamic would ever want to engage in this sort of behavior and what both sides get out of it. Whether as part of a temporary roleplay scenario or a 24/7 D/s relationship, learn the joys of embracing your inner brat/bitch ... or reining one in!
Rough and Intense Public Scenes
This class has two different subjects that will be investigated and then integrated to create a very interesting composite scene. First, we will explore what is inherent in a rough scene. We will go over all of the steps on how to create a rough and intense scene including negotiation, preparation, the follow thru and aftercare with a brief touch on safety. Then we will discuss public scening, the different purposes of scening in public and what the difference is between private vs. public scening. Once we integrate the two, we will discuss the characteristics of an intense public scene and things to be mindful of, including environment and those around you. Subjects that will be touched upon will be how to create your ideal rough public scene and controlling the levels of intimacy vs. putting on a production and finding your “zone” vs. including the audience in said scene.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Why Tuesdays are Worse than Mondays in my World: Curse of the Evil Lady.
Ok. So.. if you're here to subject yourself to an entertaining piece of literature in the form of an e-mail of someone getting paid THREE times as me (at least) and "trains" me how to do my job here it goes:
Good morning
On ____________ Sheet, ____ Inventory, and __________Report must match before you start keying for the next week. This mean you need to set down with the _____ people before you start your current week. Your _____Inventory must match your ____ Inventory Sheet and ___ Report, I will like to see this report before any site start keying for the next week. So you can call or email me when you are finishing with your reports. Please put paperwork in daily, as I go thru the report I am seeing mistake, so please organize your day, so you can have time to input CFA. Thank for what all you'll do. Your work is very appreciated.
I received the above e-mail this morning. Before this woman commenced to make my day a living hell. I'm a bit blessed, for now she's not there every day. She only comes in on Tuesdays anymore (and the last hour before I leave on Monday, which is also it's own form of hell).
I had the same reaction: Wowwwwwwww.
Followed by: How the HELL is this the woman I answer to?!?!?!
So anyways... I had it out with this woman today. It's frustrating enough that I'm teaching her how to use her own program and that I'm formulating reports she's taking credit for but then today, today she threw down.
Her: "Why you doing it like this?"
Me: "Because that's how I was told to do it."
Her, incredulously: "Who told you to do it that way????"
Me: "You."
I asked many times when she told me, ARE YOU SURE you want it this way, because it doesn't make sense for this and that reason... There were witnesses. Some even stepped forward today. I'm sorry, she was wrong and I put that in her face when she tried to dump it in my lap. So we'll see what the outcome of that will be in the future.
Honestly, I SO would rather deal with the mob.
Sorry this doesn't have fetish, porn, sex, or anything of that nature in it. I'm boring.
Good morning
On ____________ Sheet, ____ Inventory, and __________Report must match before you start keying for the next week. This mean you need to set down with the _____ people before you start your current week. Your _____Inventory must match your ____ Inventory Sheet and ___ Report, I will like to see this report before any site start keying for the next week. So you can call or email me when you are finishing with your reports. Please put paperwork in daily, as I go thru the report I am seeing mistake, so please organize your day, so you can have time to input CFA. Thank for what all you'll do. Your work is very appreciated.
I received the above e-mail this morning. Before this woman commenced to make my day a living hell. I'm a bit blessed, for now she's not there every day. She only comes in on Tuesdays anymore (and the last hour before I leave on Monday, which is also it's own form of hell).
I had the same reaction: Wowwwwwwww.
Followed by: How the HELL is this the woman I answer to?!?!?!
So anyways... I had it out with this woman today. It's frustrating enough that I'm teaching her how to use her own program and that I'm formulating reports she's taking credit for but then today, today she threw down.
Her: "Why you doing it like this?"
Me: "Because that's how I was told to do it."
Her, incredulously: "Who told you to do it that way????"
Me: "You."
I asked many times when she told me, ARE YOU SURE you want it this way, because it doesn't make sense for this and that reason... There were witnesses. Some even stepped forward today. I'm sorry, she was wrong and I put that in her face when she tried to dump it in my lap. So we'll see what the outcome of that will be in the future.
Honestly, I SO would rather deal with the mob.
Sorry this doesn't have fetish, porn, sex, or anything of that nature in it. I'm boring.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Morals? Where did these come from???
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Friday, June 26, 2009
Another Day, Another Shoot at Kink.
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Thursday, June 11, 2009
I was asked an interesting question...
He wondered if I would still be involved in the lifestyle if I hadn't lost my father at such a young age. (He died a week before my 5th birthday. Drunk driving accident. Don't do it, folks. You become a deadly weapon when you toy with even buzzed driving).
This was my response:
A very good question.
The short answer is yes.
I would probably not have the Daddy/LG attraction as much as I do. I wouldn't have missed out on that relationship, causing a void in my past that I now try to exorcise through ageplay and with my penchant for Daddy Doms, rather than simply sadistic tops or dominants.
I was, however, born a spanko. I got turned on from watching spanking scenes in cartoons as far back as my toddler years. I would read and reread passages from stories where the main character, a child my age, would receive some sort of corporal punishment as a consequence of foolish actions. Of course I didn't know what it was at the time-- it just felt like my tummy feels when I went on a roller coaster. But I liked it.Same thing when someone was whipped. I'm preconditioned to get wet from this stuff.
Gay men and women were considered psychologically unsound 10 years ago for their sexual proclivities. People thought that some event in their past caused them to suddenly shift their sexual preference. Now we know it is mostly biological. Same with me. And hopefully that idea too can begin to be accepted... The idea that I simply can't help myself. I am what I am, I was born that way.
I would've found this lifestyle no matter if my father passed on or not. I would've came in a spanko and still would've evolved as I experienced new things-- such as rope. Ten would still be Ten.
I'd like to hear some comments from the peanut gallery. Is your kink biological or psychological and why?
This was my response:
A very good question.
The short answer is yes.
I would probably not have the Daddy/LG attraction as much as I do. I wouldn't have missed out on that relationship, causing a void in my past that I now try to exorcise through ageplay and with my penchant for Daddy Doms, rather than simply sadistic tops or dominants.
I was, however, born a spanko. I got turned on from watching spanking scenes in cartoons as far back as my toddler years. I would read and reread passages from stories where the main character, a child my age, would receive some sort of corporal punishment as a consequence of foolish actions. Of course I didn't know what it was at the time-- it just felt like my tummy feels when I went on a roller coaster. But I liked it.Same thing when someone was whipped. I'm preconditioned to get wet from this stuff.
Gay men and women were considered psychologically unsound 10 years ago for their sexual proclivities. People thought that some event in their past caused them to suddenly shift their sexual preference. Now we know it is mostly biological. Same with me. And hopefully that idea too can begin to be accepted... The idea that I simply can't help myself. I am what I am, I was born that way.
I would've found this lifestyle no matter if my father passed on or not. I would've came in a spanko and still would've evolved as I experienced new things-- such as rope. Ten would still be Ten.
I'd like to hear some comments from the peanut gallery. Is your kink biological or psychological and why?
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