Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Slave at Heart

"You're not submissive, you know," he says from the passenger seat of my car. I rolled my eyes. I couldn't blame him. He'd just spent two seperate play sessions, one Saturday night, one Sunday afternoon whaling on me and I only gave in--just barely-- after at least an hour. Most of the scenes I spent being my regular smart ass self and tested him to see who would break first, me or him. I still think that particular outcome was a bit of a toss-up, though the scene that occured Sunday had me feeling a tad bit more of a docile and with a certain... affinity... toward him.

"But we'll get to that later..." he continued and then must've seen something in the look on my face as I met his eyes. "You aren't submissive," he repeated as I bit my lip and looked away in frustration. "You're a slave," he finished matter-of-factly as my neck snapped back for me to gape at him with my mouth open.

I've heard many people in my past criticize my submissive tendencies (or lack there-of). Something about my being the the strong-willed and opinionated brat who heavily enjoys resistance play in scenes and finds all that kneeling and protocol stuff tiresome might've given people the idea that I'd make a really bad submissive, much less a slave.

Part of me started to believe it. Especially since I ascribed to the Daddy/Little Girl dynamic mentality. A little girl doesn't always say "yes, Daddy, whatever you say" and get on her knees every time he walks in the room. But a Daddy, much like a Master, keeps his little girl in line when she needs it and is ultimately the boss, even if he has to show her so. So is Daddy/LG ultimately a M/s relationship?

Boy, this guy stirred up a tempest in my mind with just a simple comment. You see, in the past I used to say I had a "slave-heart". That eventually, I'd find the right person to give myself to. Then I ascribed to what everyone was telling me-- that I was too headstrong, too controlling, and, well, real slaves don't make a *trew Masteh* work for it, they'd simply recognize his Mastery.

Which is why I sort of gave up on the whole slave thing... until this man I'd met the day before had said this statement so matter-of-factly, as if it was the most obvious thing on the planet.

Thinking about my D/s relationships in the past, I reflected on whether I was always so ornery and the answer is no. Not at all. I used to actually be a pretty good girl.

Lately, I've had a penchant for take-down scenes, escaping from rope, being beat for hours on end before I break (if I ever did), and if I put all in the perspective of what my new friend stated, it's not because I'm not submissive-- I'm trying to find someone strong enough to be my Master. Once I do, while still opinionated and headstrong, I feel like I'd make a pretty good slave.

The last person who broke me had my complete devotion. He had the strength and patience and compassion (and sometimes brute force) to take down all of my walls one by one. Walls I'd spent a long time building. And while I was sometimes a 'brat', while I messed up sometimes and needed punished... I knew without a doubt who I belonged to and showed endless and unconditional love and devotion.

So yeah, when he left me without even the sanctity of my walls-- my need to be taken, controlled, 'broken', increased. Because the next one won't get that love, adoration and devotion so easily. Not by a long-shot.

But it doesn't mean I don't have a deep desire to give it. And like AA has the attitude that all you need to have is the "desire" to quit, I kind of feel the same way about M/s. My slave-heart beats deep down in my chest. It's there behind these reinforced walls brought on by distrust, pain and pure stubbornness. And it's waiting for someone with even more strength of character, body, mind, patience, with even more tenacity and not just good intentions to help me take them down.

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