Sunday, July 18, 2010

Followup on Daddy Post

I received a message in response to my last "Daddy" post that made the familiar ball in my throat and the tears in my eyes come back. It read as follows


I just read your Daddy journal entry. I was sorry to read that you were so low. I felt like I could hear the tears streaming and the sniffles through your words.

You have a strength in you that I believe you have not yet been able to reach. Mere fragments sustain you at times. But I also know that deeper within lies the Little Ten. And obviously, that is the child that longs for the comfort and safety that Daddy always provides.

It is hard to manage a Little as strong - or perhaps weak - as yours, given the specific issues which surround her. And the strength that protects her is merely a strength suit of sorts. And when that suit is peeled back, the tearful child - afraid and exhausted from acting like a big girl and feigning strength that she knows she does not have - pours out and collapses every so often. It is hard for little girls to be strong.

And when a Daddy leaves his little girl, that creates an instant security vacuum which causes the little girl to have to hasten and put her suit back on.

He finished these words with an extension of support if I ever needed it.

Kind words, right? I felt a bit of gratitude... and a whole lot of shock and pain.

He was SPOT ON about the strong suit. It's the only way I'd been able to survive without being a pathetic puddle on the floor the last few months. But now he pointed it out, he unwittingly exposed it as somewhat of a farce. A defense mechanism, for sure, but what really lurks underneath?

Deep inside I'll always have that vulnerable little girl. Right now I hate it. She's like a tiny baby bird--so fragile and easily broken--she holds me back and gets me hurt to a degree that I never fathomed. I want to tell her to GROW THE FUCK UP and stop being such a fucking baby.

In a way, that's exactly what she is though. And is that my strong suit part of me talking to her so crudely so that I can stuff her back down again and not get hurt? Am I doomed to have this around with me for the rest of my life? Do I go seek therapy to deal with her once and for all and move on, because this isn't healthy?

Or do I embrace her as someone that is always going to be a part of me and find that ideal relationship where my Significant Other can too?

I said in my last post that I can live without Daddy. I really can. But maybe I was wrong about the fact that I'm always going to want Daddy.

Maybe it's she, the little girl inside me, that can't live without Daddy/Mommy/other safe Big of sorts. And until that person or people come out of the woodwork, maybe I have to keep her behind this suit.

However, she obviously doesn't exist too far beneath the surface if one can point her out so easily.

So what the hell to do with that? (rhetorical, as I'm babbling out of my ass right now).

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

What (not who) Daddy is...

*I want my Daddy..."

I burst into tears on the way home tonight as this thought permeated my brain and rested there. It was a pervasive chant that the vulnerable little girl inside of me kept uttering.

I tried to figure out why it suddenly popped into my brain and why I was so effected by it.

In spite of my previous writings, this wasn't about an ex-relationship. This wasn't about my real father dying. This wasn't about any of the men in my life, past, present, or perhaps.

For once, "Daddy" didn't have a face.

An epiphany struck me.

"Daddy" was no longer a person in my head. None of the "Daddies" of my past came to mind when I suddenly longed for "Daddy". "Daddy" was and always has been a concept for me.

Since my real Daddy was taken away at such a young age, I think I superimposed all of the things I was missing as I grew up, but longed for, onto my Daddy--or at least associated it with a father-figure role. All of the things I've yearned for I suddenly felt like I could find in one place--in Daddy.

Daddy= security, safety, acceptance, unconditional love. Basically Daddy= a sense of fulfillment.

This explains why I suddenly dissolve into tears and feel an incredible sense of destabilization when one of the things named above drop out of my life (mostly in the form of a sudden detachment with people I used to feel attached to). With one central symbol (my Daddy) of all of the things named above I don't crumble nearly as easily when I feel those things are shaky with someone else like a close friend or even a lover who is not Daddy-- much like a slave may touch his/her collar and feel security and fulfillment in the D/s relationship he/she has with his/her Dominant. It explains why, when I don't have that relationship, I nearly fall to pieces at the first sign of abandonment by anyone I've let in. And finally, it explains why, when I have that central Daddy person that is supposed to embody things like unconditional love and security and they leave for whatever reason-- it nearly kills me emotionally.

While I don't think wanting all of those things (security, safety, acceptance, unconditional love, fulfillment) is necessarily unhealthy-- my reactions to people (potential future Daddy's or not) because of the lack thereof are not healthy in any way, shape, or form. And to call someone "Daddy" without them knowing those expectations is asking them to fall short.

I honestly don't know if "Daddy" will ever become a "who" again. I do know that I can live without-- and will try my damnedest to find a healthy way to do so. That is what I will be working on for the time being. However...

I'm always going to want my Daddy.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


"You know why you don't have a Dom, Ten? You have to take them seriously. They need to be taken seriously. You're too flippant."

Someone said this to me after observing my behavior over a series of hours as I volunteered at TESFest this weekend.

I -had- been flouncing about being my usual cheeky self to those who know me that way. That's social Ten, however. That's not relationship Ten. Unless you're a play partner and the dynamic we have is me constantly challenging you--because it's something we mutually enjoy.

I was not thrilled with his judgment, delivery, or the tone in his voice. I don't even recall the statement I made to spurn the comment and at that moment, I could care less.

"Well when I find someone I can fucking take seriously, I'll take them seriously", was my retort before I walked away.

Right now in my day to day relationships in the scene are merely 'PLAY'. Hence my PLAYfulness. Whether my 'bratting' crosses the line into annoyance is a matter of opinion, but I'd like to think it's not for the majority of those I encounter and play with. That's why they continue playing with me.

I don't lose that playfulness in D/s. That does not mean I don't take MY Dom seriously.

However, an encounter on a another social media website got me pondering.

I'd only pointed out to this person who said that a "true submissive" does this and that that being submissive means something different to everyone. This person was relatively new to the scene and used such bonus words as "topping from the bottom" to describe my relatively harmless statement. Said person even went so far as to ask Dominants that I don't even know to "keep me in line".

This experience brought two different thoughts to mind. First, this poor naive girl seems to think that just because I identify as submissive, that I should behave a certain way (sort of the same way the person who called me "flippant" did)and and that any Dom can and will put me in line.

But also, it was relayed to me that her most recent Dom left her, which, seeing as her defensiveness made her lash out at me in several very not cool ways, not limited to making fun of my appearance and suggesting violence happen to me--her behavior might have had something to do with that. Also, in her words, it was 'because he couldn't tame her'.

I personally find the whole idea of "breaking" or "taming" a sub unnecessary and part of unfair expectations. Logically.

However I've been pondering whether my own behavior is the reason I'm still without anything but a "maybe" D/s relationship at the moment. Am I subconsciously "testing" potential Dominants by positing a bit of a challenge for my submission? Am I placing unfair expectations on suitor Dominants? And if so... why? Is it because the last D/s relationship I "took seriously" slipped off into the night and I'm too afraid of that happening again? Am I just not ready for a new Daddy?

Or is it because I really just haven't found someone I can actually take seriously?

In the D/s sense of course.

Life is too short to be serious all of the time.