Sunday, July 18, 2010

Followup on Daddy Post

I received a message in response to my last "Daddy" post that made the familiar ball in my throat and the tears in my eyes come back. It read as follows


I just read your Daddy journal entry. I was sorry to read that you were so low. I felt like I could hear the tears streaming and the sniffles through your words.

You have a strength in you that I believe you have not yet been able to reach. Mere fragments sustain you at times. But I also know that deeper within lies the Little Ten. And obviously, that is the child that longs for the comfort and safety that Daddy always provides.

It is hard to manage a Little as strong - or perhaps weak - as yours, given the specific issues which surround her. And the strength that protects her is merely a strength suit of sorts. And when that suit is peeled back, the tearful child - afraid and exhausted from acting like a big girl and feigning strength that she knows she does not have - pours out and collapses every so often. It is hard for little girls to be strong.

And when a Daddy leaves his little girl, that creates an instant security vacuum which causes the little girl to have to hasten and put her suit back on.

He finished these words with an extension of support if I ever needed it.

Kind words, right? I felt a bit of gratitude... and a whole lot of shock and pain.

He was SPOT ON about the strong suit. It's the only way I'd been able to survive without being a pathetic puddle on the floor the last few months. But now he pointed it out, he unwittingly exposed it as somewhat of a farce. A defense mechanism, for sure, but what really lurks underneath?

Deep inside I'll always have that vulnerable little girl. Right now I hate it. She's like a tiny baby bird--so fragile and easily broken--she holds me back and gets me hurt to a degree that I never fathomed. I want to tell her to GROW THE FUCK UP and stop being such a fucking baby.

In a way, that's exactly what she is though. And is that my strong suit part of me talking to her so crudely so that I can stuff her back down again and not get hurt? Am I doomed to have this around with me for the rest of my life? Do I go seek therapy to deal with her once and for all and move on, because this isn't healthy?

Or do I embrace her as someone that is always going to be a part of me and find that ideal relationship where my Significant Other can too?

I said in my last post that I can live without Daddy. I really can. But maybe I was wrong about the fact that I'm always going to want Daddy.

Maybe it's she, the little girl inside me, that can't live without Daddy/Mommy/other safe Big of sorts. And until that person or people come out of the woodwork, maybe I have to keep her behind this suit.

However, she obviously doesn't exist too far beneath the surface if one can point her out so easily.

So what the hell to do with that? (rhetorical, as I'm babbling out of my ass right now).

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